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Top Ten Holiday Eating Tips
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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone
who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
In fact, if you see carrots,
leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving
Chocolate Rum Cake.
2. Drink as much eggnog and
wine as you
can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In
fact, eggnog is even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it
any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's
3. If something comes with
gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not
stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes,
always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's
skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.
5. Do NOT have a snack before
going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole
point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food
and consume mass quantities of their drinks for free. Hello?
6. Under NO circumstances
should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that
in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll
need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound
plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something
really good at a buffet table, like honey roasted ham slices or
anything filled with cream cheese, position yourself near them and
don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center
of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you
leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies.
Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like
mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin pie. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention
fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
Unless of course it comes with a variety of creamed honey
butter spreads...in which case you should definitely go for it.
10. One final tip: If you don't
feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table,
you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but
hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT
be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in
the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Oklahoma foods from the Oklahoma Food Coop has become
another more recent holiday meal tradition at our house. We enjoy
the Cranberry Salsa, Chocolate
Oatmeal Walnut (C.O.W.) Cookies and duck eggs! Tip:
The C.O.W. Cookies are to die for!